Chairman Daniel Blofeld claims "No Spurs players will be sold" in the summer whilst holding a machete

Walking around Tottenham's construction of an underground lair, Chairman Daniel Blofeld met with journalists to reiterate the clubs' stance that "No Spurs players will be sold" whilst Skype calling Real Madrid President Florentino Perez with a machete, threatening to give Bale another "injury".

Seeking to demonstrate that Tottenham aren't a selling club, Blofeld announced that his cat would not be for sale, and that any bid for the feline would be fed to the shark underneath the fake pitch. The same was also applied to star players, such as Harry Kane and Dele Alli, who would equally be thrown to the shark if they attempted to facilitate a move.

Daniel Blofeld and Pinocchio advertise new stadium,
 hiding a machete behind them 

At the lair, Blofeld also toured around NFL (it's NotFootball, Looney) vice-executive "Big Chad" and #NotMyMayor, Sadiq Khan, where Blofeld despicably announced that "I'm afraid the lair would be quite operational when your friends arrive".

Centre of attention was naturally the construction of the 61,000 seat stadium that would be placed as cover for the lair, where Blofeld was equally keen to show his colleagues off the lair's latest feature. Holding a not at all suspicious big red button, Blofeld demonstrated how holes underneath seats could activated, leaving the occupant travelling in shafts towards the lava pit below.

As expected, the NFL announced their decision to allocate the lair as host for the first annual Hunger Games, in an attempt to attract the average London teenager to the sport. "Big Chad" described it as a "momentous occasion" where "sport fans across the pond can for once, enjoy the same sport, unifying in the same violence the British Empire would be proud of".

So as Spurs and the NFL enter a new era of villainy, fans of the club have much to look forward to. Blofeld and Pinocchio have undoubtedly taken Tottenham to the next level, recent seasons have led many to believe that the sky is limit, for their nuclear missiles. A new "stadium", possible title challenges, and the prospect of the destruction of Arsenal all bode well for the future of this great club.